Grandparent's

Sunday was my grandfather's birthday. I thought of him quite often that day and everyday since. It has made me ponder of grandparent's and how special they are. My grandpa (papaw) was the kindest gentlest man I have ever known. He loved me like no other and always made me feel so incredibly loved! I remember sitting on his lap and going for pony rides on his back! I remember the sweetest kiss on my cheek that was usually ten in one. But mostly what I have always been able to keep with me, I knew I was grandpa's Angel! He told me every time I talked to him. Trust me, I was no angel but I was his angel! He made me feel special and that has stayed with me my whole life and helped me to understand how important it is to feel special. To feel loved. To know that someone cares about you and cares for you. Someone that knows of the potential you have. He taught me that education is the most important gift we can give ourselves and our children. Everyone has someone in their life that no matter what we don't want to disappoint. He was that person for me. I wanted him to be proud of me and my accomplishments. He was a man of honor and accepted nothing less from the people he loved. He was one of the most special men I have had the honor of knowing. He passed on his birthday. I knew that he was in the hospital and he had been intibated waiting on a decision to operate which he was willing to do. I called the day before his birthday to check on him. He was doing as well as expected for the condition his heart was in. I knew I couldn't talk to him. I asked the nurse if she could do me a favor. She said sure, what do you need? I asked if she could give him a message. She said sure what would you like to say? I said, "Please tell him Grandpa's angel said hi and she Loves HIM!!" I waited for her to return to the phone. She came back and told me that a tear rolled down his cheek when she told him. It was a comfort that I was able to tell him! The next day was his birthday. I was on the phone with the florist ordering his flowers when the other line rang. I asked them to hold while I answered it. It was my sweet grandmother. She was calling to tell me that my Grandfather had not made it. I miss him everyday of my life he was the best of the best and truly one of my heroes! I have no greater memories than the ones of him.

Choose the Right

I feel like I have been through the most trying time of my life in the past year! I look back and cannot believe the series of events. I am honestly having a difficult time figuring out what is the best plan of attack or path to take. What advise to give or not give. When to bite my tongue and when to speak. I know that no matter what I do it may not be right. I know no matter what I say it may not be right. I also know that I have been given the biggest responsibility God gives, Motherhood...

I have a obligation to my children for the rest of my life to teach and guide them. I also know that I have to trust the tools that I have already given to them and trust that they will put them to use.

With all my heart I love my children and my husband, I pray that no matter what I can look back with no regrets!

When I was a young girl I went to a Sunday School class. The title of that year long class was Choose the Right "CTR" for short. I wore a ring as a reminder that had the initial "CTR" on the front of it. Every time that I looked at my hand I was reminded to Choose the Right. I wish that every young person understood the meaning of that today. I wish that I could make them understand the senseless pain they cause each other. I want my children to look back with "No regrets"! I want my children and their friends to "Choose the Right"! I want each and everyone of them to understand it starts with one. It may become contagious!

Surprise!

The eagle has landed!

And brought her little Chicky........

They are here a week early to see my little Chicky, I know she will look like this when she sees them!

Which will make her CHEER!

Mr. Aloosh will be very happy to have his best friend home for a couple of weeks!

These two are so glad the surprise is finally out and they can celebrate her arrival ;)

This grammy is going to be blown away with joy! She has missed them so much!
SURPRISE!!!

Soon Mr. corey will be here too:)

and...........
The family will be complete!

I love SURPRISES!

Forgiveness

I am definitely not one of the most religious people you will ever meet. I am however, Spiritual! I can also say that the act of forgiveness is probably one of the most important things we can use in our lives. We have many things in our lives that anger us or hurt us and make us feel violated in one way or another.

As many of you know my family has been through a lot in the past 3 years. Some of which had happened to me and most of which had been done to another sibling and my parent's. I think the most anger I felt was for my parent's! How could anyone do the outrageous things that they had done to them? How could anyone hurt my mom and dad? I don't know to many people that are more pure of heart than my parent's especially my mom who never likes to put a bad thought out there and completely with all of her being loves her family! She is one who accepts everyone for who they are and tries to find the good in everyone. I felt such hurt and betrayal for them. I wanted to protect them at every cost. I tried but failed miserably I thought......

It took me sometime and a lot of looking within myself. The anger and hatred I felt for another human being is not anything I had ever known before! I didn't like the way I felt and knew I had to do something about it. I thought about it long and hard and realized that everyone deserves to be forgiven! Everyone deserves a second, sometimes third or fourth chance. My mother had always called me the "Peace Maker", how could I help create peace in my family if I was one of the one's contributing to the HATRED??? I needed to be an example of love and compassion in order for my family to move on. So I forgave! It is the most wonderful feeling! I feel FREE, I feel empowered once again. It is making a difference already, I can feel it. I do not think it will all happen overnight but I do think in time everything is possible.

I love my WHOLE family and I know with all my heart everyone will come to the same conclusion I have, when there is forgiveness there is HEALING!!! We all need to heal and we ALL need to love and be loved!!! It starts with one and it becomes contagious!!!

Grateful

When Jasmine was in surgery on Monday I sat in the waiting room all alone. After digesting where she was and what was going on I looked around me and observed my surroundings. I noticed in the waiting room were many teenagers and what seemed to be a large family. It was obvious they all knew each other. Some were laughing and reminiscing others were quietly sitting by themselves. I walked around quietly worried about my Jasmine. I noticed the waiting room that we were all in was the surgery waiting area as well as the surgical ICU waiting area. I did not know at the time where the patient was that they were all there for. I figured they must be young as all these teenagers were there together. It made me sad to think about just that and how tragedy effects such young lives. While I prayed for Jasmine I prayed for this young person, not knowing if this was a male or female or for sure what was happening with him/her.

The surgeon came out into the waiting area, updated me on Jasmine's surgery letting me know she was fine and in Recovery. I waited a little longer for someone to come get me and take me to her in Recovery. I left the waiting room not really thinking to much more about the people I had left behind. As you know from my previous blog we were there longer than expected. So when we left on Wednesday evening I noticed this same group of people leaving when we were. They were all crying and very upset! I heard one of the men say to a young man never forget Him and remember he was your friend, he loved you and will always be a part of you. Make him proud and make a success of yourself. Do your best! I now knew it was a YOUNG MAN that they had all been waiting for on Monday and God forbid he was dead. It gave me a feeling of sadness and hurt for someone I didn't even know. I then went outside to wait for Valet to get my truck so Jasmine and I could go home. The woman standing behind me was trying to get her car as well. I heard the Valet ask her for a coupon so she would not have to pay for her parking. she said, I don't have one" he then informed her she would have to pay. She then said, "My son is dead, he just died, please.... He gave his condolences and got her car. Jasmine sat in her wheelchair calmly waiting and I was so happy to be finally taking her home. I felt bad to even feel a little bit of joy in front of this poor family. I wanted to cry for this poor mother. I knew her pain, not quite the same, but I had already buried a child and I know there is NO greater pain! I wanted to put my arms around this complete stranger and cry with her and for her. I wanted to help her.

I opened the paper yesterday and this young man has a name. He was in a single car accident in Lunenberg on Saturday March 13, 2010, he was the passenger. He was a senior at Fitchburg High a football and basketball player and starting at Anna Maria College in the fall where he was to play football. These poor people! They had lost a son, brother, grandson, nephew, friend and school mate. I find myself thinking of them all especially that poor mother. The pain and heartache she feels will get easier with time but never leaves you! There is never a day I don't think of my Briana and she was an infant. I cannot imagine nor do I ever want to the pain know the pain you feel when you lose a child that you have raised and can see the bright future ahead of them. To see All the DREAM"S gone in an instant and fill that with GRIEF. We are never supposed to bury OUR children! I never want to feel the pain that this poor mother is going through. I will never forget these people that I never knew!

I took my precious daughter home. I am so GRATEFUL that she is well and with me! I am Grateful for BOTH of my children! NEVER ever take ONE minute for granted, NEVER! OUR children are the greatest gifts God has given us. Be forever GRATEFUL for them! Love them, teach them, and enjoy them!

Forever Grateful!

I asked for mommy time!!!

I had been looking for some mommy/jazzy time, this is not how I wanted it to go!!! A nice vacation to a tropical island was more what we were looking for! Well instead we got an emergency surgery with a three day hospital visit. It all went so fast it is a tad hard for me to recollect. Jasmine called me at the office and said "Mom, my belly hurts so bad I can't walk!" I told her I would get her an appointment at the doctors offices and meet her there. We were there at noon. We were then sent to the ER. They took us right in and gave her some morphine as it was quite apparent that my Jazzy was in severe pain. They got her in to Ultrasound and brought us back to the ER. The doctor came in and said did they tell you? I said NO tell me what????? Jasmines right ovary is 11cm, her left is normal at 2cm. What does that mean I said??? Well she may need surgery as it appears her right ovary is twisted, we need to do one more "exam" to check on one more thing and we will let you know. OK I said and thought I would be waiting for a while 3 minutes later 2 surgeons walk in and unbeknown'st to me or the ER doctor they had received the imaging from her ultrasound which is common by the way for it to be forwarded to them for review. They introduced themselves and said, "Jasmine has almost no blood flow to her right ovary she needs surgery NOW to save it! I just remember it feeling like I had been hit by a freight train. They had me sign the consent and away we went. There I was all by myself sitting in the waiting room digesting that my daughter was in surgery. Imad was on his way but did not make it before she went in. She wass in her hospital room by 9:00 pm. Most normal people go home the next day, but you see she is my daughter and that is not the way we Jaber women do it! She had an allergic reaction to the pain med and began to itch from head to toe and her nose was the color of Rudolph's and oh mom I can't BREATHE! They rushed in and started her on steroids, and a few other things that helped however she was still dizzy and VERY nauseous. Well that bought us Tuesday night in the hospital as well. Wednesday morning they came in to tell us she could go home anytime she wanted to. So then at 9:00 am we were ready to go for them to inform me her stats need to improve and that were not going anywhere! I forced fluids on the princess all day and we walked laps around the hospital floor. At 7:30 pm they set us FREE!!!! We get to sleep in the comforts of our own home tonight, I got to take a real shower, we get to eat real food and enjoy being home with our family. My Jazzy is home to recover, we did enjoy some alone time maybe not the tropics as I had on my wish list but it was our time! She is doing much better and I am so happy we are ALL home together again!!!

A mother's guilt

Almost every Friday Jasmine has an appointment. Since her daddy has been home he has been taking her so that I can stay at the office and not use all my vacation time on appointments. Every Friday at around 4:00 I look at the time and feel guilty. Guilty that I am not there with her, to comfort her and keep her calm. It was our time. A nice long ride, Mommy daughter time! We talked about everything and she would really open to me. The doctor would update me on everything. Now I worry. Is my husband asking the right questions? Is he paying attention to her and her mood? She gets so stressed out every Friday... I feel like I am less of a mother letting him take her. Do you hear me LETTING HIM, haha! He is her father. Why am I really worried? She seems to be fine without me there, and then I think hmmm maybe I am a little jealous. Daddy is doing everything mommy used to. He gets the talks, the laughs and the tears. I realize I miss her and maybe giving up a little vacation time is a good thing! Its not a waste of vacation time, it is QUALITY time! It's MY time!!!